The NHL owners and players are close to the midnight hour Saturday.  And one minute later on Sunday the lockout will begin.  Player rep Donald Fehr presented their latest proposal yesterday, followed very quickly by the league’s final counter offer with the ultimatum--take it or leave it.  The owners have the players over a barrel, and they know it.  Forget the money issue.  Here are the real list of demands from the players and the owners.

     The players demand 1—water in the water bottles be replaced with beer.  2—zamboni drivers must be female, and be nude.  3—any diving infractions to be decided by Greg Louganis.  4—goalie pads to be borrowed from lacrosse goaltenders.  5—open season on Todd Bertuzzi.  And 6—no one has to play in Edmonton if they don’t want to.

     Now the owners demand 1—Crosby and Ovechkin’s first children become property of the NHL.  2—players must genuflect and salute when meeting the commissioner.  3—new franchises to be located in Boise, Idaho, and Jackson, Mississippi.  4—if games end in a tie, there will be overtime, then a shootout, and then players will actually be shot one at a time.  5—open season on Todd Bertuzzi.  And 6—ban the use of jocks.

     I’m tellin’ ya.  The owners are going in for the kill.